Toxic Positivity: When "Positive Vibes Only" Doesn't Feel So Good

"Everything happens for a reason."

"Just stay positive."

"Look on the bright side."

"It could have been worse."

Most of us have heard these phrases before. Chances are, many of us have said them too—often with the best intentions. After all, who doesn't want to feel hopeful during challenging times?

The problem is that sometimes positivity stops being supportive and starts becoming something else entirely. This is what many therapists refer to as toxic positivity: the pressure to maintain a positive mindset regardless of what we are genuinely experiencing.

What Is Toxic Positivity (and What It Isn't)?

I view toxic positivity differently from optimism. Healthy optimism makes room for both hope and pain. It allows us to acknowledge difficult experiences while still believing that healing, growth, or change are possible.

Toxic positivity, on the other hand, sends a very different message: "This feeling is uncomfortable. Let's replace it with something positive as quickly as possible."

It can sound like:

• "No need to be sad."

• "Just stay positive."

• "Good vibes only."

• "At least..."

And listen, I have nothing against the phrase "at least." Sometimes it can genuinely help us gain perspective. The problem is when it becomes a shortcut that bypasses our actual experience….and sometimes we don't need perspective. Sometimes we need permission.

Permission to be sad.
Permission to be angry.
Permission to be disappointed.
Permission to be human.

As psychotherapist Whitney Goodman notes in her book Toxic Positivity, before we jump to solutions or silver linings, most of us simply want to feel understood.

The High Cost of Avoiding Our Emotions

As a counsellor, I often meet people who have become remarkably skilled at appearing okay.

They keep going.
They stay productive.
They show up for everyone else.
They answer emails.
They make dinner.
They smile.

Meanwhile, beneath the surface, grief, sadness, anger, fear, loneliness, disappointment, or exhaustion are still there

The challenge is that emotions do not disappear simply because we ignore them. I suspect most of us have tested this theory at some point.

We tell ourselves we're "fine." Then somehow we find ourselves crying over a broken coffee mug, snapping at someone we love, stress-eating chips at midnight, or wondering why we're exhausted despite getting eight hours of sleep. Emotions have a way of finding the exits we didn't know existed.

What If Every Emotion Has a Purpose?

This is where the work of Karla McLaren, author of The Language of Emotions, offers a powerful perspective.

McLaren invites us to think about emotions not as problems to solve but as messengers carrying important information.

In a culture that often encourages us to "stay positive," it can be tempting to divide emotions into neat categories:

Good emotions:

• happiness,

• gratitude,

• excitement,

• confidence.

Bad emotions:

• sadness,

• anger,

• fear,

• jealousy,

• grief.

But emotions don't work that way.

According to McLaren, every emotion serves a purpose.

• Anger can help us identify boundaries and motivate action.

• Fear can increase awareness and help us assess risks.

• Sadness can support letting go and adapting to loss.

• Jealousy may point toward unmet desires or values.

• Guilt can help us recognize when our actions are out of alignment with our values.

• Grief honors what mattered to us and what has been lost.

From this perspective, emotions are not obstacles to wellbeing—they are part of our internal guidance system. The difficulty is that many of us have learned to distrust, suppress, or override them.

We tell ourselves:

• "I shouldn't feel this way."

• "I need to get over it."

• "I should just be grateful."

But emotions don't magically disappear because we judge them. More often, they become louder. Or sneakier.

Or they show up through tension, irritability, anxiety, numbness, burnout, or a lingering sense that we've somehow become disconnected from ourselves.

Permission to Feel

Psychologist Marc Brackett, author of Permission to Feel, argues that many of us were never taught how to understand emotions.

Brackett reminds us that emotions provide information. They tell us about our needs, values, relationships, and experiences.

Because the goal is not to become someone who never struggles. The goal is to become someone who can meet their struggles with awareness, self-compassion, and support.

When we rush to replace difficult feelings with positive ones, we may unintentionally skip over the very information those emotions are trying to provide. As Brackett suggests, healing often begins with permission: Permission to feel what we feel. Permission to be honest about our internal experience.

And…Why Is Honesty So Difficult?

Sometimes I wonder: What is happening in our society that makes authenticity feel so risky?

Perhaps part of the challenge is that we live in a world that often rewards curated versions of ourselves.

Social media feeds are filled with highlight reels.
Success stories.
Transformations.
Productivity hacks.

Meanwhile, real life is often messy.

We experience:

Grief.
Relationship challenges.
Financial stress.
Illness.
Parenting struggles.
Loneliness.
Uncertainty.

Yet many of us feel pressure to present ourselves as okay.

What happens when we learn that only certain emotions are socially acceptable?

How do we recognize joy if we never allow ourselves to feel sadness?

How do we experience relief if we never acknowledge fear?

How do we stay connected to ourselves if we spend our lives performing emotional wellness instead of living it?

The cost of always being okay can be losing touch with our authentic experience.

A Gentle Invitation

Perhaps healing is not about becoming more positive.

Perhaps it is about becoming more authentic.

Perhaps it is learning that sadness does not mean something is wrong with us.

That anger is not a character flaw.

That grief is not weakness.

That fear does not mean we are incapable.

And that difficult emotions are not interruptions to life—they are part of life.

Some Questions for Reflection

• Are there emotions I have been trying to avoid?

• What feelings do I judge most harshly in myself?

• When I am struggling, do I offer myself compassion or pressure?

• What would it be like to acknowledge my emotions without immediately trying to change them?

• If my feelings could speak, what might they be trying to tell me?

Sometimes the most compassionate thing we can do for ourselves is to stop saying:

"I should be over this by now."

And instead say:

"This is where I am today, and I can meet myself here."

That may not sound particularly positive….But it might be something even better: Honest. And perhaps that is one of the antidotes to toxic positivity: not forcing ourselves to feel better, but becoming willing to listen more deeply to what we are actually feeling.

References

• Goodman, W. (2022). Toxic Positivity: Keeping It Real in a World Obsessed with Being Happy.

• Brackett, M. (2019). Permission to Feel.

• McLaren, K. (2010). The Language of Emotions.

• Neff, K. (2021). Fierce Self-Compassion.