Meritocracy Part 1: Holding Compassion for Ourselves in a Success-Driven World

Many of us grow up hearing the same motivational soundtrack on repeat: work harder, stay disciplined, push yourself, and you’ll succeed. Helpful at times… until it quietly turns into the belief that our entire worth depends on how productive, successful, or “ahead” we are in life.

And then it naturally makes you pause and wonder: who actually defines success and failure in the first place? And where did we even pick up these definitions from?

In a meritocracy-driven society, it becomes very easy to start treating success like a receipt for our value as human beings. If things are going well, we feel “worthy.” If things fall apart, we assume we’ve done something wrong, we fail. Add social media into the mix — where everyone seems to be thriving, glowing, and somehow meal-prepping their way through emotional stability — and comparison shows up uninvited to every mental party.

You watch friends and family “move forward” — whatever that even means. Careers grow, people buy homes, fall in love, get married, travel, start businesses, have babies, pick up pottery, and somehow voluntarily train for half-marathons. Meanwhile, some of us are just trying to keep up with laundry, reply to texts, and keep our nervous systems regulated.

But here’s the part we often forget: life is never shaped by effort alone. Yes, effort matters. But so do mental health, family circumstances, financial stress, body ableness, discrimination, grief, migration, fertility and reproductive capacity, trauma, systemic barriers, and the occasional “life just doing its thing” plot twist. None of this makes you lazy, weak, or unsuccessful. It makes you… HUMAN — trying to navigate a pretty complicated world without a manual.

I often hear stories of people feeling behind, and the pain that comes with that. And sometimes—this might sound a bit unexpected—I also hear from people who feel “ahead” but don’t necessarily enjoy it (we’ll save that one for another time!).

One of the hardest emotional experiences is feeling like everyone else is moving forward while you’re stuck refreshing your own life like, “Hello? Progress? Are you there?” In those moments, it’s easy to start believing you’re behind or failing. But the truth is there is no universal timeline for growth, healing, or success—no matter how convincingly your inner critic (who, let’s be honest, is a little too confident for their own good) tries to argue otherwise.

And in those moments, the mind can get mean and say: “I should be further ahead.” “Everyone else figured it out except me.”

First of all: you are absolutely not alone in feeling this way. And yes, I know hearing “you’re not alone” can sometimes feel about as helpful as being handed a motivational mug during a crisis. But genuinely, there is something healing about realizing your struggles are part of the human experience — not proof that something is wrong with you.

Second: please do not allow your life circumstances to become your identity. Remember: You are greater than your current situation. Greater than your self-criticism. Greater than your worst thoughts about yourself.

And if you do judge yourself sometimes? Welcome to being human. Most of us do. Some of us just happen to do it professionally in our heads.

But here’s something important: allowing yourself to actually feel your feelings — sadness, anger, disappointment, grief — is incredibly brave. Feeling your emotions instead of constantly outrunning them may actually be part of the healing process.

I repeat: There is no universal timeline for healing, growth, success, love, or meaning. Truly. Human lives are not linear. Some seasons are expansive and exciting. Others are quiet, messy, painful, confusing, or deeply inward.

And honestly? Some growth seasons look suspiciously like lying on the couch questioning everything. Still counts.

And another important reminder: Despite appearances, success is not a permanent state of happiness, peace, and perfectly organized kitchen drawers. Many people who look “successful” are also navigating anxiety, burnout, loneliness, grief, or quietly wondering how everyone else seems to have it together.

So here is a gentle suggestion: maybe we can gently shift the question.

Instead of only asking:

• “Am I successful enough?”

• “Am I productive enough?”

• “Am I behind in life?”

We can also add self-compassion into the mix and ask:

• “Am I being kind to myself… even a little?”

• “Am I living according to my values (or at least attempting to most days)?”

• “Am I resting before my body decides to file a formal complaint?”

• “Am I going through something hard right now and caring for myself?

Not everything meaningful shows up on a résumé or LinkedIn profile. Sometimes success looks like surviving a difficult season, setting a boundary, resting without guilt, or simply getting through the day.

And maybe the most important reminder is this: your worth is not a productivity report. You are not behind — you are simply moving through your own very human, very real life… at your own pace. AND THAT IS OK!